deird_lj

I thought I’d take this opportunity to tell you all about one of my favourite villains, from that fabulous Superman story, Lois and Clark.

His name is Tempus - and he really is rather awesome.

We first meet Tempus in a fabulous Time Travel Adventure! starring Lois, Clark, and H.G. Wells. Yes, that H.G. Wells.

H.G. Wells is out of fuel for his time machine (said fuel being gold), and is stuck in Metropolis, where he promptly goes looking for help in the form of Superman.

He also has a visitor from the future with him, whom he describes like so:

“Well, I didn’t want him to see the city. You see, the twenty-second century is a peaceful, harmonious utopia. No violence, no crime. Without preparation, poor Tempus would be horrified by the savagery of the nineteen-nineties.”

(This is… a little inaccurate.)

The camera then cuts to Tempus, who is walking down the street wearing a suit made out of futuristic aluminium foil and looking very innocent, and who promptly happens upon a man being beated up in an alley. The guy beating him up runs off, and Tempus engages the victim in conversation:

Tempus looks around curiously. “What just happened here is called… ‘mugging’?”
The man laughs with relief. “No kidding. Took everything but my watch.”
“Not a very successful mugging, was it? Let’s see if I can do better.” Tempus shoves the man against a wall, and removes his watch. He looks delighted. “Excellent! I just mugged you!”
“Are you out of your mind?!”
“No. My century.” He throws the man to one side, and walks off, proclaiming: “And I love it!”

(You must understand that everything Tempus says is in this voice that’s… well, I’d have to go with calm, smug, and rather laid back. Yes, even when he’s saying something completely villainous and insane. Everything he says. It’s really fun – trust me on this.)

So anyway, H.G. Wells is now explaining his time machine difficulties to Lois and Clark. It’s all terribly fascinating, and technical…

…let’s go back to Tempus, shall we?

Tempus finds a shop selling guns, where he promptly uses one of the guns to rob the guy who runs the shop of… well, some guns, for one. And also a whole bunch of gold chains (for fuel).

Then he goes back to the time machine and H.G. Wells (and Lois – Clark has run off to find out who’s shooting up the gun shop). He instantly recognises Lois:

“Oh, wait. Lois Lane. Yes! I’ve seen the holograms! Well, this is a special pleasure, Miss Lane. I’m Tempus. I’m from the future that you and Superman create.”
“Me and Superman?”
“A world of peace. A world with no greed or crime. A world so boring you’d blow your brains out, but there are no guns! You want to know the future, Miss Lane? No-one works, no-one argues, there are nine thousand channels, and nothing on! Well, I intend to do something about that. Herb? Set the time machine for Smallville, 1966.”

Tempus gets in the time machine with Wells, not noticing that Wells has secretly set the time machine for Smallville 1866, because he’s too busy saying goodbye to Lois:

“Miss Lane, you seem like an attractive and interesting woman. I’m almost sorry I’ll be ruining your life.”
Lois looks blank. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m going to kill Superman, of course.”
“Nobody can kill Superman.”
“Unless you could get hold of him when he was a helpless little baby. Gee, if only I had a time machine.” Tempus laughs. “You ready, Herb? You see, Miss Lane, in a world with no Superman, there’ll be no utopia in the future. Just a lot of sex and violence, and me.”

Having explained his evil plan for the benefit of the heroes who are going to stop him, he goes back in time – also failing to notice that Wells has dropped a set of complete time machine schematics on the ground so that Superman can make one of his own.

…we then have a whole bit with Lois and Clark going to 1966, and Tempus and Wells going to 1866, and there’s this whole thing with Jesse James, and a bank robbery, and Lois and Clark in 1866, and lots and lots of shooting. But moving on…

Lois runs into Tempus and Wells in a barn, frantically shoving their stolen gold into the time machine so that they can leave. (Wells, by the way, is not too happy about this, but there’s a gun pointed at his head, so what’s he supposed to do?)
And this is a rather fun scene, so I thought I’d include a YouTube link for anyone who wants to watch it…

Lois is spotted, and quickly explains that she is there because she grabbed onto their time machine as it left, and was sucked along with them to 1866. Tempus laughs, and decides to leave her there forever.

Lois then says:

“If you want to kill Superman, I don’t know why you’re going to Smallville, or why 1966.”
Tempus looks stunned for a moment. And then he grins. “She doesn’t know yet! Oh, this is good! This is really good.”
There’s another short pause, and then Tempus clears his throat, and says, “Um, Lois, did you know that in the future you are revered at the same level as Superman? Why, there are books about you. Statues, an interactive game… You’re even a breakfast cereal.”
Lois looks wary. “Really?”
“Yes. But as much as everybody loves you, there is one question that keeps coming up: HOW DUMB WAS SHE?” Tempus walks over to Wells, saying, “Here – I’ll show you what I mean.” He grabs Wells’ glasses, puts them on, and says dramatically, “Look. I’m Clark Kent.” He takes the glasses off. “No. I’m Superman!” Glasses on. “Mild mannered reporter.” Glasses off. “Superhero! Hello?! Duh! Clark Kent is Superman!”
Lois looks shocked, and Tempus laughs, uproariously. “Well! That was worth the whole trip! To actually meet the most galatically stupid woman who ever lived! Come on, Herb. Clark – and Superman – are dead. The future belongs to me!”

(Seriously – go and watch the YouTube scene. It really is very well done.)

So, Tempus and Wells go to 1966, followed once again by Lois and Clark. Tempus proceeds to find the newly arrived baby!Superman, and to take him away to the woods, where he gives him lots of lovely bits of Kryptonite to play with.

Lois and Clark, meanwhile, are meeting Clark’s parents, watching Clark slowly start to disappear (literally – in the way Marty did in Back To The Future), and arguing constantly about him being Superman, and why he didn’t tell her.

Wells is getting more and more worried about Tempus’s evil plan:

“You know, I won’t let you hurt him. I’ll fight you with my last breath.”
“Really?”
“I swear it!”
Tempus punches him in the face, and says mildly, “Sorry. Can’t have you swearing in front of the baby.”

So, Lois and Clark find Tempus, and start sneaking up on him, while he sings the baby a lullaby:

“Hush little baby, new to the Earth,
play with your rock, and make pointless your birth.
The world will spin on sans Super decree,
and the future belongs to people like me…”

He then gets into an argument with Wells about “peace” and “justice” and stuff like that:

“Herb, did your books actually sell? Cause you’re kind of a bore. Which brings me to my next question: what am I going to do with you, huh? I could just leave you here to starve, but no, you might get away, build another time machine… Obviously, I’ve got to kill you, but how? Something suitable. Something ironic, like what I did to Lois. That was good.” He pauses. “I know! A utopian execution! I’ll bore you to death!”

But anyway, our heroes triumph, as they tend to do. Lois beats up Tempus and saves the baby, and then Clark beats up Tempus and cuddles the baby, and then Wells gets to hit Tempus, just for good measure.

Wells and Lois then have a touching conversation about galactic stupidity:

“You’ve been to the future, Mr Wells. Is it true what Tempus said about me?”
“Oh, yes. You’re as highly revered as any woman in history.”
“Oh. No, I meant about being ‘galatically stupid’.”
“No. No, no, Miss Lane, not stupid. Blind. It’s one of the many things that makes your story so timeless. Why children never tire of hearing it at bedtime, why parents never outgrow it… for generation after generation. We’re all blinded by love, Miss Lane. Especially that great love which changes us forever.”

At which point Tempus interrupts them:

“Oh, excuse me, but I’m in danger of choking on my own vomit.”

Knowing that Tempus is rather into irony, Wells grants him his wish to live in a violent, hellish dystopia. He takes him back to 1866, where he is last seen yelling through the window of an insane asylum:

“You stupid, hayseed, corn-sucking cow lovers! I don’t belong here! I’m from the future! I have to get out of here so I can build another time machine! Hey! Anybody listening to me? Hey!”

And all is well.

…until the next season, anyway.

About a year later, Tempus shows up again. But this time, he’s got a different plan.

In the first few minutes of the episode, Lois runs into Tempus – who, by the way, she doesn’t remember, because there was this whole thing with H.G. Wells dumping them back in the present slightly before they actually left, so that they wouldn’t remember going at all, which makes no sense, but, hey, TV show! Guy flying round in his underwear! Sense really doesn’t apply so much.

So, like I said, she doesn’t remember anything about Tempus:

Tempus, now wearing a suit and glasses instead of futuristic aluminium foil, shows up in front of Lois. “Hi, Lois. Remember me?”
“No…”
He takes off his glasses – “How about now?” – and laughs – “It’s a private joke.”
Lois looks blank, but then Tempus holds out a gun.
“Lois, after all we meant to each other, I’m still not ringing any bells?”

So anyway, he seems to have somehow escaped from the insane asylum and captured H.G. Wells’ time machine, mostly through the power of Being An Awesome Enough Character That The Writers Want Him Around Some More.

And he kidnaps Lois, and dumps her (along with Wells, who is there to do all the exposition) in a parallel universe, in which Lois was lost in the jungle several years ago, and is presumed dead.

It’s also a universe in which Tempus is running for mayor of Metropolis. Against Perry White.

Oh… and he runs a successful supermarket chain which sells guns at astonishingly cheap prices. The entire town is taking advantage of this by buying as many guns as possible.

And his election campaign is: “Be Prepared For The ENEMY”. (Sensible viewers will probably find this slightly worrying.)

Also, Charlton Heston is president. Just… because.

Wells has revised his opinion of Tempus by now – which might have something to do with the whole Trying To Kill Baby Superman debacle from the previous season. He now describes Tempus as:

“a violent psychotic with a bitter hatred for Superman”

So, anyway, it turns out that Tempus has been funding his campaign to rule Metropolis by zapping off to other dimensions, robbing banks, and then fleeing back to this alternate dimension where no-one knows he’s a criminal.

Lois and Wells decide this is all rather worrying, and run off to the Daily Planet to find Clark Kent.

…this being alternate!Clark, though, he’s not actually all that useful. Because his parents are dead, and his fiancee is woman-who-isn’t-Lois, and so he’s not Superman. He’s… actually kind of a dork.

Lois gets even more worried.

But there’s this whole bit where they confront Clark about his superpowers, and tell him the episode’s plot so far, and it’s all very detailed.

…back to Tempus.

Tempus suddenly appears in a dark alleyway that Lois and Wells foolishly wandered into. He laughs mockingly at them for a moment:

“You know, you really shouldn’t walk around unarmed. My stores are offering a great deal on a 12-clip automatic. Twenty-four rounds with every purchase… and a free pair of sunglasses.”

Then he kidnaps Wells, and gets his henchmen to take care of Lois. She’s pretty upset about this:

“You’re not going to get away with this,” says Lois, passionately.
He just grins at her. “Get away with what? Becoming mayor of Metropolis by murdering Perry White? Because somebody might stop me? Big, brawny, looks good in blue? Gee, if only I lived in a dimension with no Superman. Oh, wait – duh, I do! And you’re going to another dimension yourself, Lois. One slightly more spiritual. Hope you’ve been good.”

Anyway, having left Lois to various henchmen, he takes Wells back to his secret lair to watch TV. No, really.

“I’ve missed you, Herb! Sure, you’re a few years older, I’m a few pounds lighter, you’re about to be a corpse, I’m about to be a god, but it’s the same old us together again, huh?”
Wells is tied to a chair, looking alarmed, in a British sort of way. “Where is Miss Lane?”
“Just… standing around.” Tempus turns on the TV, to reveal Lois, who is currently being filmed from a distance, as she stands on a crumbly stone ledge on the side of a building, with her hands tied and her eyes blindfolded. Tempus sits back, picks up a bucket of popcorn, and muses, “Do you think she has any idea she’s 500 feet in the air?”

And they watch, Tempus eating popcorn, as Lois freaks out and tries not to fall off the ledge… which is getting crumblier by the second.

Wells finally has enough of all this:

“Tempus, I cry out to whatever humanity is in you, stop this!”
“Why?”
“Because it is barbaric and cruel!”
“Well, sure. But it’s fun.”
“What do you have to gain by killing her?”
“Herb, if I wanted to kill her, I’d beat her to death with a frozen lamb chop, and then eat it with a nice merlot.”

Wells is puzzled, and doesn’t understand what the point of all this is, but Tempus is preoccupied with a more pressing question:

“Now, ask yourself, Herb. Why is there no Superman here? Is it because this Clark lost his parents, and didn’t have their loving support? Or is it because he was denied the daily impetus of being in love with a woman who’s always throwing herself into death’s jaws and screaming for-”
…and right then, on the TV they’re watching, Lois finally shrieks, “Help! Clark!”

So, of course, Clark flies up (sans costume – because he doesn’t have one) and rescues her. It’s all very touching.

Tempus is pleased too:

“Bravo, Mr Kent. My plan is working perfectly.”
Wells looks at him incredulously. “You have a plan?!”
“Yes, Herb,” Tempus explains patiently. “I’m the bad guy. We always have a plan.”

Cue very touching scenes in which Lois explains Clark’s destiny to him, and somehow sews him a Superman costume in under an hour, and they fly through the city rescuing people willy-nilly so that he can Learn Who He Is Meant To Be.

Then Lois gets a phonecall, in which a strange foreigner warns her that Perry White is in great danger, and will die unless she gets to the local TV station immediately. The strange foreigner is actually Tempus putting on a funny voice, but Lois doesn’t know this at the time.

Meanwhile, back at the TV station, Tempus and Perry White start their Election Campaign Debate.

Perry points out that Tempus’s entire campaign hinges on this mysterious ‘enemy’ he keeps mentioning, and asks who on earth the enemy actually is.

Tempus calmly explains that the enemy is an invading force of aliens from outer space, and that he finally has proof of their existence.

…and right then, Superman shows up.

You see, it turns out that Tempus’s nefarious scheme is to convince the world that Superman is a dangerous, evil alien, to kill Superman, and to use the fear of alien invaders to become mayor of Metropolis. (Diabolical, huh?)

He has video evidence (from Lois’s latest escapade), he has Kryptonite, and he has a bomb.

Except… he sort of forgot that he had the bomb. (Hey, it made sense at the time.) So, when it nearly detonates, he panics and tries to run – leaving Superman to save the day. Hooray, Superman!

Everyone in the alternate universe is very pleased. Superman is a hero. And the others return home.

What happens to Tempus? He goes back with Lois and Wells, where he is promptly arrested for bank robbery. He’s not terribly happy about this:

“You bone-headed, backward, Cro-Magnons. I won’t forget this. Any of you! You fools think you can hold me?”

And that’s the end of that. Again.

Unfortunately, though, even though they’ve successfully disposed of Tempus now, there’s still someone else they need to deal with: Tempus. Sort of.

(This is straight after this episode here, for anyone who cares.)

So, Lois and Clark are finally married (fourth time lucky!), and are in the mood for… some horizontal flying, if you take my meaning. The first part of this episode involves a lot of sexy lingerie.

Anyway, they’re just getting down to business when there’s a knock on the door. They groan, but decide they’d better go and see who it is, just in case.

Any guesses who’s at the door?

Tempus? …well, no, actually. It’s their old friend H.G. Wells. – who Clark doesn’t remember at all (because he didn’t meet him last episode, remember? that was the other Clark).

And Wells explains, in a rather roundabout, embarrassed way, that he is rather glad he caught them before they… uh… did anything exciting. Because, if they do, then Lois is going to die.

It’s all because of this ancient curse that was placed on their souls back in the middle ages, meaning that, in every reincarnation, whenever Lois and Clark have… erm… fun, (which they always do in every lifetime, because they’re soulmates) Lois will die the next day.

No, seriously.

Apparently they have two options:
a) use Wells’ fancy-schmancy past-lives-soul-tracking device to return to the middle ages and prevent the curse from being placed so that their souls can live on, happy and free, forever;
b) abstinence.

They decide a is a much better alternative.

And off they go to the middle ages.

When they get there, Clark quickly learns that he is The Fox! – a rogue thief who is good at heart. Lois is a noble lady. And Tempus…

“Don’t you remember me? I’m the bad guy who collects horrendously unfair taxes. And you’re the good guy who robs me blind and gives it all back to the poor.”

The Fox’s band of rebels instantly capture Baron Tempos (yes, it has a different spelling), and let him go. His punishment will be to walk back to camp, humiliated.

Tempos being Tempus (well, sort of), he complains about being released anyway:

“You have not seen the last of me. You’ll burn in hell, friar. No, hell’s too good. I’ll send you to Ireland.”

Tempos returns to his camp, and goes to share his troubles with his own personal sorceror, who is talking to a rat (otherwise known as his wife – no, really):

“Really, sorceror, you must stop talking to rodents. It completely undermines your credibility.”
The sorceror puts his wife back in her cage, and turns, looking troubled. “Baron… I feel a strange magic. A force unlike any other has entered our sphere.”
“Never mind that, I have more pressing concerns. The Fox has stolen Lady Loisette from me. And I simply can’t have that. I hate it when the hero gets the heroine. It’s so cliché.”
“Why do you want to force her to marry you anyway?” asks the sorceror. “Simply to rule over her fiefdom?”
“Why, sure. Power’s fun. But the added bonus is that it will destroy the Fox, because she’s his girl. That’s why I want you to make her love me.”
“Would that I could, sire. Unfortunately, spells can enchant, and they can damn, but they can never force the ways of a heart.”
“You’re sure about that? You’ve talked to all the other sorcerors?”
The sorceror nods. “Positive.”
“Very well. I’ll try a more conventional approach first. But if that fails, I want you to prepare your most diabolical curse and doom their love for all time.”
“Gladly.”

Aha! Origins of the curse, right here! Perfect!

Anyway, Clark’s – sorry, The Fox’s - band of rebels remind him that he’d better be getting back to his secret identity before Baron Tempos realises he’s missing.

It turns out he is Baron Tempos’s most trusted knight, so he’s a logical choice to… well…

“That’s what I like about you, Charles. You’re fearless. Which is precisely why I want you to duel the Fox. In my name, of course.”
“That’s impossible.”
“Impossible, why?”

Um…

Clark being very intelligent, he realises that what happened next (originally) was that Sir Charles ran off with Lady Loisette, never returned, and got cursed by the rat-marrying sorceror. So instead, he goes back to Lady Loisette (and Wells), and tells her that they have to return, so that the sorceror never places the curse.

Lois agrees that letting Tempos win this round will solve the problem… hopefully quickly. As she points out: foreplay is great, but this is ridiculous.

So they return to see Baron Tempos, and Clark points out that he, Sir Charles, can’t duel with the Fox, because he is the Fox.

Tempos reacts with some surprise, but then concludes:

“Well, of course. It all makes perfect sense. Never in the same place at the same time, always ducking away and returning with some lame excuse. I can’t believe I was actually fooled by a little mask over the eyes.”
“Duh – join the club,” responds Lois.

And so Tempos duels Clark, who is going to nobly die for the sake of Preventing The Curse (which won’t actually kill Clark, just Sir Charles, if that makes sense). But Lois can’t bear to see him die:

“If you spare his life, I’ll marry you.”
“Well, that’s touching. But if I don’t spare his life, you’ll be forced to marry me anyway,” points out Tempos. “What do I get out of the deal?”
“The one thing you can’t force: my fidelity.”
“I accept. On one condition, non-negotiable. Sir Charles is to leave the country, never to return. Not that I don’t trust you, milady, but why tempt temptation?”

Hurray! Curse broken! All is well!

Lois and Clark return to the present day, where they very quickly discover that all is, in fact, not well. Tempus is now King Of America, and is going to marry Lois that very day!

Apparently, by allowing evil to triumph, they started a chain reaction that meant evil would always triumph, and therefore Tempus would always win.

But, no matter – Wells promptly suggests that they go back in time again, into yet another past life, and let good triumph, thus fixing the problem. But, to be safe, they’ll go to a time when magic doesn’t exist anymore, so that curses won’t be an issue.

And off they go again…

It is now the old west, Clark is now super-buckeroo The Lone Rider, who is madly in love with Lulu, and he’s about to be hanged. By Tempus Tex.

Lois quickly figures out how to stop this dreadful disaster:

“No! If you spare his life… I’ll marry you?”
“I accept. On one condition, non-negotiable. The Lone Rider is to ride out of town, never to retur- Whoa. Talk about your déjà vu.”

Anyway, they escape, run off on a horse, and start kissing passionately – after all, they stopped Tempus’s evil plan to have Clark hanged, so all must be right with the world! However, they are quickly interrupted by Wells, who informs them that there’s still a problem: Tempus Tex has some people being held hostage, and if Lulu doesn’t marry him, he’ll kill them all.

…and on that note, here comes Tempus. Riding up very quickly to fetch Lulu back again.

Lois sends Clark off into the bushes to change into his secret identity (he always has one of those), and tells Tempus that the Lone Rider left her there alone.

“Oh, thank goodness, I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Is that a fact? And where, pray tell, is that pesky Lone Rider?”
“He… rode off. And I screamed for help, and I was rescued by this…” Lois turns, and sees Clark, who is now dressed as a… “mild-mannered telegraph operator.”
“Really? Well, how fortuitous, sir, that you just happened to be here… out in the middle of nowhere… miles from the nearest telegraph… Have we met before? You look awfully familiar.”
Clark tries to think of a good answer, but settles for a simple: “I have that kind of face.”

So, Tempus and Lois go back to town, and Clark and Wells follow, and try to figure out how to find these hostages.

Lois has been wondering about that herself, actually:

“Alright, I signed the prenuptial agreement. Now why don’t you release the hostages?”
“Hostages? What hostages? Is that the only reason you signed over your land to me? Because I’ve got your parents strapped to a little old barrel of dynamite?”
“My parents? That’s who you’re holding? Oh, you are evil incarnate!”
“Why sure, is that a bad thing?”

And the wedding begins.

It’s almost reminiscent of The Princess Bride, actually:

“Do you Tempus Tex take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold-”
“I do.” He gets out a gun. “Sorry, this is the point where the villain accelerates things. Now skip on down.”
“Do you Lulu take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to ha-”
“Skip on down, reverend.”
“…blah blah blah. Til death do you part?”

But, just in time, Clark finds Lulu’s parents hidden in an outhouse, rescues them, and gets Tempus Tex sent to jail. Hooray!

They both sigh with relief, and promptly rush off to get the lingerie and whipped cream.

Hooray! The end!

…until later that year.

Tempus, if you recall, is currently in jail for bank robbery. But, because he keeps insisting he’s a time traveller from the future, he’s been moved to a prison for the criminally insane.

This morning, however, he’s going to be extradited back to the utopian!future to face trial. A ‘peacekeeper’ by the name of Andrus steps through a Time Window, straight into his cell, and starts reading a rather lengthy arrest warrant:

“I have a warrant for your extradition. I will recite from the list of charges: for crimes against humanity, vicious deeds…”
“Blatant disregard for human life, blah blah blah. Can we go?”
Andrus pulls out a hologram generator, and generates a guy that looks exactly like Tempus. “I leave in your place this replicant. A synthetic Tempus who shall keep the people of this primitive time from asking questions better left unanswered.”
“Oh, God. It’s starting to come back to me. They all talk like you in the future, don’t they? Well, let’s get this over with.”

They step into the Time Window, and just as it starts to close, Tempus turns, points, and says:

“Oh look, what’s that?”
“What’s what?”
Andrus turns to look, and Tempus hits him from behind.

The next thing we know, Tempus opens a Time Window into a street in Metropolis, puts up a big poster that says: Vote for John Doe! …and leaves again.

It’s apparently time for a presidential election. Everyone’s pretty sure that the current president, President Garner, is going to get re-elected. Go President Garner! You’ve got my vote!

…and then this happens:

A guard opens a door to a room with lots of exciting wires, sees Tempus doing something complicated, and says, “Hey. This area’s restricted.”
“As well it should be,” agrees Tempus. “Do you realise that this satellite relay station is up-linked to every major long-distance phone carrier in the country?”
“What is that thing?”
“It’s a subliminator.”
“A what?”
Tempus smiles, and explains, “It’s a device that will be invented in the late 25th century and subsequently outlawed. I borrowed mine from a museum in the 26th century. Well, alright, stole it, then.”
The guard is extremely puzzled. “What are you talking about?”
“What I’m talking about is power. With this device, I can implant subliminal messages into the feeble minds of the masses, thereby controlling the collective will. That enough exposition for you, or shall I go on?”
“I’m calling the police. Don’t move.” He crosses the room, and picks up a phone – and Tempus promptly picks up a little microphone he’s carrying, and talks into it: “This is for Malcolm, the security guard. The security alert was triggered by a rodent.”
And the guard (who is in fact Malcolm) says into the phone: “Yeah, Carl? Malcolm. No, no, nothing up here. Must have been another rat.”
Tempus grins, and continues. “Malcolm – you will go to the window. At exactly twelve noon, you will be overcome by an irresistable urge to take a flying leap out of that window.”
“Gotta go,” says Malcolm, calmly. “Gonna jump to my death soon. Bye-bye.”

As far as evil plans go, it doesn’t exactly suck.

Tempus now goes out into the city, and talks into his microphone:

“Attention all registered voters. John Doe is a darn nice guy.”

…and John Doe starts climbing in the polls.

Clark, who is unaffected by almost all forms of mind control, is slightly bemused by all the people around him suddenly insisting that John Doe is a “darn nice guy”. He decides to investigate.

Lois, who is very affected by all forms of mind control, is also happy to investigate, because she wants to write an article about what a darn nice guy John Doe is.

Then they discover that he’s Tempus. And… this could be a problem. As Clark puts it,

“he has evil in his eyes”

Then they go to the prison, discover that Tempus is (apparently) still there, and get rather confused…

Tempus, meanwhile, is busy campaigning.

“Randolph! I’m rising in the polls everywhere except this small pocket communities. Why is that?”
His campaign manager rushes over to explain. “Uh, Mr Doe, those would be Amish communities, sir.”
“So? Have you done your get-out-the-vote phone drive?”
“The Amish don’t have telephones, sir.”
“No telephones?”
“No, sir.”

Tempus contemplates this baffling problem, and quickly comes up with a solution. He returns to the mind-controlling microphone:

“The Amish are not your friends. They are anti-John Doe. Boycott their quilts. They’re overpriced, and the workmanship is shoddy anyway. Oh, and John Doe is a darn nice guy.”

All of a sudden, two intrepid reporters from the Daily Planet show up for an interview. (Three guesses which ones.) Tempus is happy to talk, although he says almost nothing:

“Uh… what is it you do stand for, exactly?”
“Oh, you know. The usual.”
“Uh-huh. Well, maybe you could give us a little more on your background, where you’re from, have you ever held public office before – because, see, we looked, and well we weren’t really able to find anything.”
“No skeletons in the closet?”
“No closet.”
“Well, I’ve kept a low profile.”

He then smiles, and tells Lois,

“You just tell your readers that when John Doe becomes complete and absolute… democratically elected public servant, their lives will vastly improve.”

Clark decides to be subtly threatening:

“Mr Doe, has anyone ever told you that you bear a striking resemblance to someone else?”
“Just who else would I look like, Mr Kent?” asks Tempus innocently.
“A nihilistic sociopath from the future, who will stop at nothing to quench his bitter thirst for power.”
“…for example,” clarifies Lois.
“It is said we all have a twin someplace in the world. Why, Mr Kent, without those glasses, I’d say you’d look exactly like…” He grins. “Well… Duh? I’m sure you get my meaning.”
Clark glares. “Oh, yeah. I get your meaning.”
“Good. Then we’re clear. If you’ll excuse me, I have babies to kiss.”

Interestingly, Tempus’s mind control is still working on Lois… sort of.

“I know two things for sure: Tempus is evil and has to be stopped, and John Doe is a darn nice guy.”

And Tempus has now decided to add something else into the microphone mix as well:

“Just hearing the name ‘John Doe’ gives you a warm, fuzzy feeling.”

…pretty soon, Lois is telling everyone John Doe is a darn nice guy, plotting a way to bring down John Doe’s reign of terror, and feeling a warm fuzzy feeling every time she hears the name ‘John Doe’. This could get confusing.

Anyway, there’s this whole thing with mind-control research, and then there’s a scene where Andrus the peacekeeper confronts Tempus, before ending up as his running mate and potential Vice President, and Tempus winning the election, and this bit with President Garner wondering why he lost, but admitting that he voted for Tempus himself, because he’s such a ‘darn nice guy’… but we’ll skip on past all of that, because it’s rather annoyingly non-quotable.

Moving on… Tempus gives his first speech as President Elect:

“Superman, if you’re listening, I want you to know that I hope we can find a place for you in the Doe Administration. Once all citizens are working through the proper channels, especially well-meaning but lawless vigilantes such as yourself, the world will be a safer and more ordered place. I hope you can understand that. And if you Kent, I mean, can’t, well, we’ll just have to figure out something else.”

Clark doesn’t take this well.

Tempus also has the newly elected Vice President tied to a chair, where he sits and glares at Tempus, before pointing out the obvious:

“You are a true force for evil, Tempus.”
“Oh, you’re just saying that because I’ve got you tied to a chair, and I’m about to plunge the world into a thousand years of darkness.”

…then there’s a whole lot more plot with Lois and Clark running back and forth from the insane asylum frantically investigating, and Vice President Elect Andrus escaping, and Tempus using his brainwashy microphone to get Lois to drive off a cliff, and other boring bits like that.

Superman, finally succumbing to his urge to kill Tempus… or at least to yell really loudly, shows up at his hotel. Tempus smiles:

“Well, Superman! You patriotic thing, you. Come on in.”

They do the whole threaten / threaten-back thing for a while, and then they retreat to separate corners and sulk. Well, Superman sulks – Tempus just laughs and keeps plotting more evil stuff.

Stuff which eventually culminates in Andrus disintegrating because of a breach in the space-time continuum, and Superman being trapped in Eternity with no hope of rescue before his inevitable death, and Lois sobbing on the floor, heartbroken. But we won’t get into all that.

Instead, we will turn to more cheerful subjects, like Tempus choosing his newest member of staff:

“Dragon, I’m told that you are the cruelest, most sadistic, most feared cut-throat in Metropolis. You killed your parents when you were three, and it’s been downhill ever since.”
“That’s more or less it,” shrugs Dragon.
“How’d you like to be Secretary of State?” Tempus offers. “Now, my friend President Garner…”
“Pleased to meet you, Mr Dragon,” pipes up President Garner eagerly.
“…and his lame duck Congress will be enacting several bills into law. They’ll need enforcing.”
“Well, I guess you don’t get it. I don’t enforce laws,” Dragon sneers.
“I guess you don’t get it. I’m giving you carte blanche to shoot anyone who doesn’t agree with me.”

That business agreed to everyone’s satisfaction, and one short Death Of A Secret Service Guy later, Tempus grants Lois another interview – in which she wastes no time getting to the point:

“You are dirt. You are filth. You’re pocket lint. You are pocket lint in the pockets of lawyers!”
“Oh, calm down. You want a martini?”

They have a relatively calm conversation, and then Lois goes home to cry.

Then Clark’s parents show up to assist Lois in her time of need, and point out that of course John Doe can’t have been responsible for Clark’s death – because he’s such a darn nice guy. And Lois cries even more.

Guess what happens next?

That’s right! H.G. Wells! Hooray!

H.G. Wells promptly pops off to the alternate dimension, fetches alternate!Clark, brings him back, dumps him at Lois’s house, and runs off to tell Tempus exactly what he thinks of him:

“You are a fiend beyond comprehension.”
Tempus nods. “And a good dancer, but enough small talk.”

Tempus then kidnaps Wells, ties him to a chair (again), and runs off to give another speech:

“Citizens, voters, and phone owners, thank you for the huzzahs. If I could have just an impromptu moment of your time. Everything I have I owe to you – because we are one big family. With me as the papa…”
“Papa!” cries the crowd, excitedly.
“…and you as the kiddies!”
“Kiddies!” yells the crowd.
“We will prosper under one big roof, obey one big set of laws, use one big phone company, and you will do everything that papa says!”
The crowd cheers, positively thrilled.
“I’m pleased to announce that Congress has also unanimously passed the Non-Phone Act – making it treasonous not to use the phone! And we know that if we’re good girls and boys, all will be well. We also know that if we’re bad, we’ll be punished. A papa must know when to cut back on your allowance, and when to shoot you.”
While he is saying all of this, some people are being tied up in front of a firing squad, not ten feet away. One of them protests: “I had to use a postcard! We don’t own a phone!”
“A papa must be stern,” responds Tempus. “Ready… aim…”

Luckily, Superman shows up and rescues the non-phone-users! Unfortunately, this clues Tempus in to what Wells has done.

“I know what you’ve done, you treasonous little bug! You’ve imported that muscle-locked Boy Scout from that other universe to this one.”
“The power of the human spirit cannot be confined to one time or place. It’s everywhere.”
“Oh, save that drivel for your overrated novels.”

The next bit reminds me somewhat of Doctor Who And The Curse Of Fatal Death:

“It’s only a matter of time before he scans the city with x-ray vision and locates me,” Wells points out, smugly.
“Anticipating that possibility, I’ve relocated to this abandoned fallout shelter. It’s lined with lead. Now get in that machine, and take that overstuffed set of tights back where he belongs.”
“And what will you do if I refuse? Kill me?”
Tempus grins. “You bet.”
“Anticipating your villiany, I have adjusted the machine so that only I can operate it. Now what’s going to happen to your plan when Superman examines the phone system, as he will, and discovers your fiendish alteration?” asks Wells, even more smugly.
But Tempus is ready for him. “While you were anticipating my villainy, I was anticipating your anticipation, and began implementation of an even more insidious plan to spread my message. And now that you’re my captive, you won’t be able to blow the whistle on me, or use the bloody time machine yourself.”

Sure enough, Superman figures out the phone-line thing – just in time for Tempus to move the mind-controlling stuff to ordinary electrical wiring. All homes and business are now continually transmitting ‘Tempus Think’, as he calls it.

Tempus goes back to the fallout shelter to announce this new development, finding that his Secretary of State has tied Wells to a big dartboard and is throwing knives at his head.

“Dragon. Herb. You scamps! I knew, given time, you’d find something fun in common.”

So, alternate!Clark eventually taps into the electricity, which is now pumping out a continual message:

“John Doe is ‘papa’. He’s finally here. Everything he does is right.”

…and he runs off to deal with that.

Leaving Lois alone, ripe and ready to be kidnapped by Tempus. He takes her to his underground lair, where President Garner has just popped in.

“Hi, Lois. I heard you were visiting.”
“I’m not visiting,” protests Lois. “I’m his prisoner!”
Tempus smiles. “Ah, Lois. Ever the funster. Stop, my sides are splitting.”

It turns out that President Garner has given his new best friend a gift: the country’s nuclear launch codes. Tempus has decided that, in the event of Superman thwarting his plans yet again, he’s just going to blow up the world and have done with it.

“Well, you look nervous, Lois. Contemplate your future as a charcoal briquette. It’s soothing.”

Meanwhile, alternate!Clark is at the Daily Planet, trying to find out where Tempus is hiding. A news report comes onto the TV, stating that John Doe has just started launching nuclear missiles at every country he can find, and everyone claps and cheers – after all, he’s such a darn nice guy!

Lois is beginning to panic:

“Tempus, don’t do it. You still have time. You could escape. You could go to the alternate universe.”
“Where Mr I’m-So-In-Shape can return me to jail? Thank you, no. Besides – I want to kill billions of people.”

And that said, he tries to.

Thankfully, Superman shows up and destroys the launch computer, thus expertly stopping the nuclear weapons just in time, and the mind-control stuff is destroyed, Tempus is arrested, and real!Superman is rescued from his evil shrinking invisible cube of death when Lois and Wells fly the time machine through outer space and find him using an exploded watch.

…this really all makes perfect sense at the time.

And finally, they hold a press conference to explain the whole ‘John Doe’ thing, during which Tempus decides to take one final stab at revenge, and reveals Superman’s identity. Of course, given that they still have alternate!Clark there, they just have one of them being Superman and the other being Clark, so no-one believes a word of it.

Tempus is very upset about this: