Commentary - The Burkle Seven

[deird_lj]

So, I asked for fic commentary and drabble requests. (Still open for suggestions if anyone else feels inclined.)

This one was written for dreamincolor, who requested a commentary for The Burkle Seven. You should probably read that before looking at this commentary.

The original fic still looks like it did, and my notes are the bits in blockquotes.



The Burkle Seven

Pride

The idea for this fic came out of a bunch of quotes.
I was trying to think of things that define Fred’s character, and ended up with a list of quotes that happened to correspond very nicely to four of the seven deadly sins…

It’s becoming a mantra. A slogan.

When she carries groceries across town, trying to keep up with her owner’s quick footsteps, she mutters to herself “I will not let this conquer me. I am too good for this to beat me.”

When she sits wearing rags and mends clothing made of the finest fabric available, she slowly recites “I will get out of here. I will find a way. I will not let this stop me.”

When she mucks out the stables, and trips straight into the manure she’s been piling up, and she isn’t allowed to wash and has to keep shovelling no matter how much she stinks, she says quietly “I am not going to give up. I am better than this. I will find a way.”

Cordelia shovelling manure in the barn is extremely fun and silly. But Fred, of course, would have done that too. Without any possibility of being crowned ruler any time soon.

When she chops firewood in the frozen morning air, she slams the axe into the logs and firmly states “I graduated top of my class.”
chop
“I got early admission to college.”
chop
“I have a 4.0 GPA.”

Please note: I have no idea about the American education system, but I hear a 4.0 is supposed to be a good thing? At any rate, it was something I felt confident enough of to put into this fic without researching it any further.

chop
“I’m a scientist.”
chop
“A prodigy.”
chop
“I will not die in this crappy excuse for a ren faire.”

(Me trying to think of the silliest way I can have an annoyed Fred describe Pylea. I went through over twenty options.)

When she is backhanded across the room by her drunken owner, and she slams into the wall, she doesn’t say a word. She stands there and takes it. And then he turns away, and she whispers “I will not let you break my will. I will stay strong. I am going to survive.”

Someone on LJ wrote a character study a while back, calling Fred a “survivalist”. I think it’s applicable – especially here.

And when she is finally given her daily hunk of bread and sent to the barn, she does not go to sleep. Instead, she retrieves the paperclip she keeps safe, and once again works on breaking circuitry she can’t see using one tiny piece of metal she keeps dropping. And she’s exhausted, and aching, and her eyes will not stay open, but she persists. She picks up the paperclip yet again, and repeats to herself “I will stay awake. I will keep going. I will not give up. I am better than that. I will find the solution. I will not be destroyed. I will not let this beat me.”

This first section came out of a couple of season 5 quotes, both from A Hole In The World:
“I am not going to be cut down by some monster flu. I am better than that!”
and
“Superhero. And this is my power: to not let them take me. Not me.”
They seemed appropriate for that episode, but it occurred to me that they’d work just as well in Pylea. Especially because, in the first quote, Fred is actually in the middle of arguing that she survived Pylea and therefore she is “better than that”.

And the months slowly pass.


Gluttony

Yes, this section was mostly me being silly. But it is canon that Fred can eat and eat long after most people have given up.

Word travels fast.

Even among competitors. After all, no-one outside the industry is going to care enough to listen. So, even when they’re competing with you for the same customers, you still tend to talk.
Information gets passed on. Trade secrets, appropriate pricing, good locations, good customers. Everyone finds out sooner or later. Usually sooner.

One afternoon in May, an order arrives. And it’s a dream order. They want multiple servings of every item on the menu, and plenty of extra soda.

I have this thing for Fred eating tacos…

Probably a party or something, is the thought. They pack it all up, deliver it to the hotel, and forget about it. Until tomorrow, when the exact same order comes again.
And again the next day.

And yes – word travels fast. By the end of the week, there are twenty-three taco stands within walking distance of the Hyperion.
And all of them are making a nice profit…

Notice that Fred doesn’t say anything (or appear at all) during this scene. That’s largely because, at the time, I wasn’t very confident about writing Fred actually saying anything, so I tried to have her around as little as possible. Which, for a fic starring Fred, was a bit of a lost cause.

Lust

Last night they almost walked straight into a group of vampires. And Gunn grabbed her hand, and pulled her back into a doorway as they passed, and they both stayed quiet until the vampires had moved away, and then they grabbed their weapons and surprised them from behind.

This is set after Fred and Gunn become a couple, but prior to Wesley’s betrayal. It’s very much based on the way their relationship was depicted in Loyalty.

He’d gripped her hand so tightly, so urgently. So differently to the way he held it later, when they bought icecream and wandered home, chatting.

He has such beautiful hands.

(Well, he does.)

They’re strong, and calloused, and made for holding weapons, and they move quickly and so delicately, and she’s beginning to learn how very skilful they are at being in exactly the right place at the perfect time, and making her feel, oh- with everything exactly- and then he- and pretty soon she’s going to get him to show her just how incredible those hands can…

This is the result of my not having a clue how to write sex scenes.
I’m a gen writer, by nature, and as far as going into the specifics of exactly what Gunn’s hands are doing in this paragraph… well, I’d be completely at a loss for words. But then, Fred might not be able to come up with many words at the time anyway.

Fred blushes.


Wrath

Another quote for you:
“You know what they say about payback? Well I’m the bitch.”

And she’d been so happy. So excited. So eager to get back to everything.

Now she’s just wondering if she really saw it.

She doesn’t take her eyes off the door until she sees him leave for lunch. Then she slips back inside the lab.
His office is open. The book’s still there. She stares at it.

This scene was originally something completely different. “Wrath” was supposed to be set after Fred talked to the others, when she slipped out of the hotel and went to find Wesley. I had this whole thing figured out, with her walking down the driveway kicking pebbles, and swearing in elaborate Texan. (This, by the way, is the reason why I now have an entire file of exciting and insulting Texan expressions saved on my computer.) But, for some reason, it just didn’t work.
I had the entire fic written, except for this pebble-kicking-and-swearing scene, which was still stuck halfway through. And then I realised the problem: there wasn’t actually a character arc. Fred didn’t change her mind, or make a decision, or anything during the whole scene. She just… walked along kicking pebbles…
Clearly, I needed to set the whole thing a bit earlier.

It’s just a book. Just a physics book. That’s all. She imagined the whole thing. She must have.

And slowly, she opens it. And she didn’t imagine anything.

Symbols, words, numbers, formulae, diagrams detailing the weirdest stuff she’s seen in weeks.

Um… That sentence was originally “diagrams detailing the weirdest stuff she’s ever seen”. Until I realised that it really isn’t all that weird. Comparatively speaking.

It’s all there. But she still can’t quite believe it.
Why would he want…
Yet another bastard messing around with yet another portal.
Another…
No. There’s no way.

This is the moment when Fred realises that, if Professor Sidel was responsible for the portal today (during the speech), he might have been responsible for the one back in the library (five years ago) as well.
I’ve never really believed that there was a very realistic transition from “page in a book showing tentacley portal, seen for two seconds” into “Sidel sent me to Pylea and he must DIE”. So I attempted to fill in the blanks.

She takes another book off the bookcase. Quantum flooding. The next is astrophysics. Then WIMPs. Particle compression. Atomic kinematics. Runic incantations and their effect on transdimensional mystic bleed-through. Mass destabilisation. Amplitude linking. Blood rites. Thaumogenesis. Sephirolk demons and how to capture them. Transpossession.

Notice all my technobabble!
Let’s see… “Astrophysics” is apparently real, as are “WIMPs” (according to that episode). And “thaumogenesis” is from an episode of Buffy. The rest is mostly me chucking random words together and seeing what sounds pretty.
I tried to end up with about 50 percent physics textbooks, and 50 percent of the more mystical variety.

And it can’t be, there’s no way it could be, but she can’t stop looking now, she has to know, although he couldn’t have, there’s just no way, but still she keeps pulling book after book off the shelves until she finally sees it.

I love writing sentences like that. Having characters contradicting themselves, mid-thought, over and over again… it just adds a really nice feeling of urgency and confusion.

Crv dr pff lr ploos pls vos strp umpt…

Straight out of a transcript I found on the internet. Actually, it occurs to me that “ploos pls” might have been Cordelia pronouncing something wrong and then correcting herself, but I didn’t think of that at the time.

Him. It was him.

And he’s going to die.


Sloth

This one seemed to stump a few people, at first.

He’s reading the paper when the buzzer sounds.

There’s a stick-thin girl standing at the counter, looking either bored or close to tears, it’s hard to tell.

“Stick-thin girl” being Fred, obviously. Who else?

“Got a room available?”
He nods. “Thirty dollars a night. And we don’t do room service.”
“Sure.” She hands over the money, and eyes him suspiciously. “You’re miserable, right?”
“Huh?”
“You haven’t… found eternal bliss, or anything?”
He glares at her. “You start preaching, and I’m putting the price up to forty.”
“Don’t worry. I won’t. I just want a room.”

This is set right at the end of Shiny Happy People. At the end of that episode, Fred flees the Hyperion, and by the next episode she’s got a hotel room…
Where does “sloth” come into it? Two reasons: firstly, Jasmine is described by Fred as someone who’s busy taking over the world while all of us sit there and do nothing, and secondly, the next episode is largely about Fred having to take charge even though she’s not a champion and would rather sit back and watch while someone else saves the world.

He hands her a key and a local tourist guide (listing bus routes, and restaurants, and that place where you can buy a miniature plastic Griffith Observatory), but she hands the guide back. “I just want a quiet night in. Do you get the Cartoon Network?”

Anyone doing a detailed analysis of all my fic will soon notice that I tend to throw in random plastic touristy junk whenever I get the chance. (And yes, the Griffith Observatory is a real place. According to Wikipedia.)

And she heads up to her room, so he goes back to the paper.

Then, the most beautiful voice he’s ever heard starts talking on the radio, and nothing else matters at all.

“Beautiful voice” being Jasmine, naturally.

Envy

She’s in the middle of the latest report on spectral readings when Fred suddenly catches herself wishing she was Lilah.

I had a list of events and people who had affected Fred. (There were exactly seven, which was helpful.) This was the “Wesley” one.

Well, that was unexpected.

She dismisses it, and moves on – after all, Lilah was evil, and these spectrometrics aren’t going to analyse themselves – but leaning over a microscope forty-three minutes later, she once again realises that, yes, she wishes she was Lilah.

That’s just… unnatural.

Picture Fred talking about Cordelia/Connor in season 4. That’s the tone of voice I was after.

And she’s alone, and it’s going to keep annoying her, so she grabs a marker and starts writing relevant facts up on the whiteboard.

Fred and I apparently think in similar ways.
When I was writing this section, I knew I wanted Fred to be jealous of Lilah, because of Wesley. But I couldn’t figure out why (Wes clearly being in love with Fred). So I wrote a whole bunch of notes.
This next bit is pretty much my notes, word for word, with maths signs inserted in.

First variable = Lilah (LM)
Second variable = Me (FB)

FB wants to be LM

LM = dead
FB = alive

LM = evil
FB = not evil

LM = Wolfram&Hart = evil
FB = Wolfram&Hart, but not evil even though W&H is

Does FB want to be LM because she secretly wants to be evil? After all, it would make life at W&H easier.
No. Probably not.

LM = rich

LM = intelligent

LM = sexy (at least Wesley thought so)

LM = a vicious bitch

The phrase “vicious bitch” was originally used in the episode Billy, by Cordelia. I figured most people would recognise it, even out of context, as being a description of Lilah.

-and that didn’t stop him, for some reason
He must have thought she was worth it.

Fred steps back, and looks at what she’s written so far, and she frowns.
Then she starts writing again.

Third variable = Wesley
Wesley was with LM.
Is it possible that FB wants to be LM because of LM’s relationship with Wesley?
No.
After all, Wesley’s in love with me. I’m sure he is. Wesley’s been in love with me for years.

Even if he hasn’t asked me out recently, that’s just because he thinks I’m still with Knox.

This is set after Fred and Knox have broken up, but before Fred and Wes get together. So, some time between Lineage and Smile Time.
Fred is, at the time, getting quite frustrated with Wesley’s cluelessness.

And he doesn’t want to cause friction.

He thinks
He doesn’t just
If there was
He’s very
He slept with Lilah – even though he was in love with me.
And she was evil.
And he just didn’t care.
He went after her anyway.

Forget obstacles – nothing could stop him.

So what’s stopping him now?

Good question.

She’s still standing there, staring at the whiteboard, when Spike wanders in.
He doesn’t say anything – he just reads quietly, and then hands her an eraser.
And together they clean up the mess.

I’m rather a fan of Spike and Fred’s friendship in season 5. Had to mention him somewhere in here.

Greed

“Wesley, why can’t I stay?”

There are flowers in the vase by the window, and a card that says quite simply “Always”.

There’s a new rug on the floor. It’s yellow and orange, and reminds her of sunsets.

She doesn’t really cook, but the kitchen has cookies, and lots of coffee, and three frozen pizzas saved for emergencies. And there’s a bottle of wine. She’s been saving it for a special occasion.
Why does she always save for a special occasion? Wasn’t yesterday special enough?

I wanted people to gradually start realising when this scene was set. So I started with a whole lots of objects that were really quite special as objects, and then slowly started getting to the objects that were only special because Fred wouldn’t be able to have them anymore.

There’s a red top hanging in her wardrobe. It’s lacy, and kind of impractical – which is why she bought it. It’s so nice being able to afford things.
So she has five new tops, two new skirts, and eighteen new pairs of shoes. Shopping is fun.

Did anyone else think that Fred’s clothes got a whole lot fancier in season 5?

There are four books on her table, all about inverse subparticle waves.

(Yep, more technobabble.)

She keeps meaning to read them, but she works weird hours, so she usually just watches tv instead.
But she wants to read them. They’re her books, and they look so interesting, and she’s supposed to have time.

There are soft toys on the couch, and under the bed there’s a box of photos she still needs to sort out properly. No-one else will know where half the photos are from.

Yes, I did in fact watch all the scenes in Fred’s bedroom very carefully when I was writing this. I took notes, and everything. And then I used none of the stuff I’d seen, and made it all up from scratch instead…

There’s an unused tube of toothpaste, and one of the chairs wobbles and she’s been meaning to have it repaired, and there’s a phone bill to pay, and she’s still halfway through a formula in the lab, and there’s an episode of Jeopardy she taped and still hasn’t watched yet, and she needs time. There’s never time, and now there’s no time, and she still has so much she needs to do.

There’s a new thai restaurant she wants to try, and a nice pair of earrings she hardly ever wears, and three dirty plates in the sink, and Wesley, and Wesley’s voice, and Wesley’s hands, and Wesley’s eyes – oh god, his eyes – and she’ll never get to gaze into them for hours over a steak dinner, and she’ll never find out what his favourite song is, or what he thinks of Italy, and they’ll never get to grow old together, and she was supposed to have more warning than this.

That “Wesley’s eyes” sentence was the first thing I wrote for the entire fic. After that, pretty much everything I wrote was aimed at getting us to this bit.
…and I still can’t read this bit without tearing up. *sniffles*

There’s nothing left. It’s all fading away. And there’s nothing she can do. So she lies there, and watches Wesley, and repeats to herself “I am better than this. I will not let it beat me. I am better than this…”

And here we are, right back at the beginning…

Comments

[lavastar.livejournal.com]

Oh, this was fun! I'd forgotten about this fic.

And yay for the Sloth explanation. I remember totally not getting that. >.

[deird1]

Glad you liked it!

(And glad my Sloth explanation kind of made sense...)

[dreamincolor.livejournal.com]

That’s largely because, at the time, I wasn’t very confident about writing Fred actually saying anything, so I tried to have her around as little as possible. Which, for a fic starring Fred, was a bit of a lost cause.

Just have to say, I do that all the time. Pretty much anything I've ever written with Angel in it is like that.. But as a side note, your Fred-voice was definitely very Fredy, I never would have guessed you were nervous about it.


I’m a gen writer, by nature, and as far as going into the specifics of exactly what Gunn’s hands are doing in this paragraph… well, I’d be completely at a loss for words.

Seems like that tends to work in your favor when you're writing characters that, like ya said, might not really have words for what they're wishing was going on/what is going on. (Like the way you described Gwen's thoughts in Sparks, definitely played in your favor.) Hmm, maybe that's why I have trouble writing innocent-types thinking about sexy-type stuff, my brain wanders too quickly into smut-dom..


(This, by the way, is the reason why I now have an entire file of exciting and insulting Texan expressions saved on my computer.)

Next chance I get, I'm requesting angry!Fred fic from you, for just that reason.


The rest is mostly me chucking random words together and seeing what sounds pretty.

You're very good at that. The other day I was writing a story for a class of mine, and had to make up some words - and I was pretty miffed you weren't online at the time! Wanted to pick your brain.


N' about the Sloth section, that was actually one of my favorites. (Right after the one mentioning Lilah, of course.) I love the simplicity of the whole scene, because it's not really simple, even though it looks it. Cause it seems like a girl just talking to a guy at the counter and asking for a room with cartoons, but the sentences (like "Then, the most beautiful voice he’s ever heard starts talking on the radio, and nothing else matters at all.") that have so much behind them, even though they look so simple..are really nifty. The whole, simple-layered-over-the-implicationy thing something you really kind of rock at.


I loved the whole variable-bit in Envy, and it makes it even better that those were your original notes! N' I loved the bit with the crossing-out, the whole thing was very clever. I think I did mention that in my original comment on this fic..but still. Had to say it again. Cleverness abounds.


Yes, I did in fact watch all the scenes in Fred’s bedroom very carefully when I was writing this. I took notes, and everything. And then I used none of the stuff I’d seen, and made it all up from scratch instead…

I feel your pain. For a Fred-centric fic I'm doing now (for someone really awesome, who's name I just can't remember..) I watched all the episodes set in Pylea, and took a boatload of notes.

So far, not using any of them.


…and I still can’t read this bit without tearing up. *sniffles*

You're not alone. -sniff- Also, loved how like you said, the very last line linked back up to the beginning. That's the line that always gets me, and sends me down sniffle-lane..


Thanks for writin this luv, -snuggle squish- it was really interesting. Aaaand..-clears throat, and elbows the general populace- I hope more people request fic commentaries from you. Because I want to read them.

[deird1]

Yay! Glad to hear you liked this!

Hmm, maybe that's why I have trouble writing innocent-types thinking about sexy-type stuff, my brain wanders too quickly into smut-dom..

Quite possibly. (In your defense, you do smut-dom very well.)

Next chance I get, I'm requesting angry!Fred fic from you, for just that reason.

Hee!

The whole, simple-layered-over-the-implicationy thing something you really kind of rock at.

Gosh... Thanks... *blushes*

You're not alone. -sniff- Also, loved how like you said, the very last line linked back up to the beginning. That's the line that always gets me, and sends me down sniffle-lane..

*sniffs some more*