Bureaucracy
Mar. 4th, 2009 08:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
deird_ljHere's a fic (again).
This was written for the prompt song of "Apologize" by One Republic, at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
still_grrr.
It's longish, in an unusual format, stars two OCs, and is extremely silly...
Bureaucracy
____________________________________________
Wish #287a-15c912-337
Date: 10/15/99
Wisher: Miss Serena Philman, Sunnydale CA
Target of Wish: Mr Parker Abrams, Sunnydale CA
Transcription: “He’s just… oh, I can’t believe that bastard. How could he do that to me? You know what – he doesn’t deserve her. He doesn’t deserve anyone. And he thinks he can get away with… He should just… just never date again. In fact, I wish he’d never even get to touch a girl, ever again! It’d serve him right.”
Summary of Wish: that Mr Abrams will never again know the touch of a woman
WISH GRANTED, AND FILED CORRECTLY
Personal Notes: Miss Philman was initially mistrusting, and was persuaded into friendship by the offer of cupcakes and a mix cd. (NB – assumed the guise of a college student) Should she be a recurring client, I would advise future wish granters to adopt a similar strategy.
Filed by: Valesh the Avenged
____________________________________________
And, at Hellmouth Central…
17 stellar acts of vengeance this week. Notably, a maggot infestation plaguing Tom Walker (courtesy of Grellmesya the Eternal), a five-man beheading at the Sunnydale Retirement Home (excellent work by Bloody Bertha), and Parker Abrams being prevented from ever again knowing the touch of a woman (way to go, Valesh the Avenged!).
____________________________________________
Internal Memo
To: Valesh the Avenged
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
Saw in the newsletter about your latest wish. Great job!
Unfortunately, it looks like you forgot to check the files. Your client’s wish that Parker Abrams never know the touch of another woman goes against a wish I granted that states that Parker Abrams would get laid at least once a week for his entire college career.
I guess you’ll have to reverse yours.
See you later! :)
– Trekknor
____________________________________________
Internal Memo
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
From: Valesh the Avenged
Trekknor –
Thanks for the heads up.
However, as it happens, I did check the files. There aren’t any instances of Parker Abrams being granted a wish, or (amazingly) being wished against.
Getting confused, are we? :)
– Valesh
____________________________________________
to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa
cc: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa
subject: wish064p-39b426-122
(forwarded at the request of Trekknor, Lord of Pain)
Attached is a copy of the file for Wish #064p-39b426-122, concerning a wish from Miss Katie Locke against Mr Jason Abrams.
Regards,
the Files and Records Department.
document attached: 064p39b426122.doc
____________________________________________
to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa
subject: FW:wish064p-39b426-122
I don’t read mail from subordinates, asshole.
Regards,
Valesh the Avenged
Active Vengeance Branch C
floor 6
>>(forwarded at the request of Trekknor, Lord of Pain)
>>Attached is a copy of the file for Wish #064p-39b426-122, concerning a wish from Miss Katie Locke against Mr Jason Abrams.
>>Regards,
>>the Files and Records Department.
____________________________________________
Valesh the Avenged
Active Vengeance Branch C
Justice and Latent Malice Inc
Dear Ms Avenged,
We have been contacted regarding a wish made by one of your clients, that directly contradicts an earlier wish filed in your department.
Having perused the document in question, we have determined that your client’s wish that Mr Parker Abrams never again know the touch of a woman will indeed prevent Trekknor, Lord of Pain, from fulfilling his client’s wish that Mr Parker Abrams receive more opportunities for sexual activity than Mr Jason Abrams did.
The exact text of this wish is included here for your reference:
a) that Mr J Abrams’ “belt notches” be surpassed by his younger brother, Mr P Abrams;
b) that Mr P Abrams get laid at least once a week for his four years of college;
c) that Mr P Abrams boast about these circumstances whenever he is in the company of Mr J Abrams;
d) that Mr J Abrams never forget that he gave up a chance at true love to “get more pussy”.
We understand that your client’s wish was filed while you were still in ignorance of this, but must inform you that, regardless, the wish made by Trekknor, Lord of Pain’s client still has prior claim.
Please take appropriate action.
Sincerely,
Lloyd Miller
Wolfram & Hart
Los Angeles Branch
____________________________________________
Internal Memo
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
From: Valesh the Avenged
Thanks a lot, idiot.
What exactly do you expect me to do now?
– Valesh
PS – That has got to be the lamest vengeance wish ever.
____________________________________________
Internal Memo
To: Valesh the Avenged
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
I’d expect you to reverse it, obviously.
– Trekknor
PS – Never knowing the touch of a woman? So original.
____________________________________________
REQUISITION ORDER: request number 5698751381801
-200 pounds of uncooked entrails, unsliced
-90 pounds of troll faeces
-15 still-beating hearts
-1 red-hot poker
To be delivered to room 729, floor 5, and arranged as per the attached diagram.
____________________________________________
Internal Memo
To: Valesh the Avenged
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
Nice try, Val.
But, like it or not, my wish has priority.
Reverse it. And grow the hell up.
– Trekknor
____________________________________________
REQUISITION ORDER: request number 9716087344920
-50 gallons of ethanol
-1 box of matches
To be delivered to room 729, floor 5.
(NB – using these in the obvious manner when you reach the room in question will ensure a big tip from me)
____________________________________________
WHILE YOU WERE OUT
Trekknor, Lord of Pain rang, on a business-related matter.
Contents of message: several death threats, very loud, mostly incoherent
Please:
return the call at the earliest opportunity
arrange a meeting
email your reply
disregard
destroy all records immediately, and disavow knowledge
other ( ________________________ )
____________________________________________
to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa
subject: I could keep this up all day
Trekknor –
Give in? Because I’m not reversing the best wish I got all month.
Regards,
Valesh the Avenged
Active Vengeance Branch C
floor 6
____________________________________________
to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa
subject: so could I
Valesh –
How about a compromise?
Regards,
Trekknor, Lord of Pain
Vengeance Demon
Active Vengeance Branch F
“Putting the laughter back into slaughter.”
____________________________________________
Internal Memo
To: Lady Mertroxa of deathly night
From: Valesh the Avenged
Mertie –
A friend on the fifth floor needs some serious renovations done on his office, owing to an accidental fire.
Think you can bury the costs in the paperwork?
Thanks, honey!
– Vale
____________________________________________
to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa
subject: loophole?
Trekknor –
Your client’s wish was for Parker Abrams to get laid while he’s still in college, right?
How about if we make him drop out?
Regards,
Valesh the Avenged
Active Vengeance Branch C
floor 6
____________________________________________
to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa
subject: RE:loophole?
Valesh –
No luck. Check the wording – it specifies four years of college.
Any other ideas?
Regards,
Trekknor, Lord of Pain
Vengeance Demon
Active Vengeance Branch F
“Putting the laughter back into slaughter.”
____________________________________________
to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa
subject: RE:loophole?
Trekknor –
What if we took “belt notches” literally?
Regards,
Valesh the Avenged
Active Vengeance Branch C
floor 6
____________________________________________
to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa
subject: RE:loophole?
Valesh –
What if “touch of a woman” was more specific?
Say – touch of a woman’s hands…
Regards,
Trekknor, Lord of Pain
Vengeance Demon
Active Vengeance Branch F
“Putting the laughter back into slaughter.”
____________________________________________
to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa
subject: RE:loophole?
Kinky. But no.
Regards,
Valesh the Avenged
Active Vengeance Branch C
floor 6
____________________________________________
to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa
subject: sorry, but…
Valesh –
Talked this over with some colleagues. They can’t see any way around it. You’re going to have to take your wish back after all.
Regards,
Trekknor, Lord of Pain
Vengeance Demon
Active Vengeance Branch F
“Putting the laughter back into slaughter.”
____________________________________________
INVOICE – REPAIRS TO OFFICE
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain (Active Vengeance Branch F, Justice and Latent Malice Inc)
Invoice prepared by: Lady Mertroxa of deathly night (Supplies and Withholdings, Justice and Latent Malice Inc)
Itemized Costing:
$535,000 (structural repairs)
$73,000 (replastering, repainting)
$109,000 (replacement of interior furnishings)
$321,000 (general fee for being a bastard)
$1,038,000 IN TOTAL
To be paid before the end of this month.
____________________________________________
Internal Memo
To: Valesh the Avenged
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
What if we modified your client’s wish?
– Trekknor
____________________________________________
Internal Memo
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
From: Valesh the Avenged
How, exactly?
– Valesh
____________________________________________
Internal Memo
To: Valesh the Avenged
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
Make it an either-or.
– Trekknor
____________________________________________
Internal Memo
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
From: Valesh the Avenged
Slightly confused about where you’re going…
– Valesh
____________________________________________
Internal Memo
To: Valesh the Avenged
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
“never again know the touch of a woman, or…” (insert requisite horrible happening)
So he’d still be getting regular action, as per my client’s request, but dire consequences would result. Forever.
– Trekknor
____________________________________________
Internal Memo
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
From: Valesh the Avenged
I like it.
– Valesh
____________________________________________
Wish #287a-15c912-337
Date: 10/15/99
Wisher: Miss Serena Philman, Sunnydale CA
Target of Wish: Mr Parker Abrams, Sunnydale CA
Transcription: “He’s just… oh, I can’t believe that bastard. How could he do that to me? You know what – he doesn’t deserve her. He doesn’t deserve anyone. And he thinks he can get away with… He should just… just never date again. In fact, I wish he’d never even get to touch a girl, ever again, without getting exactly what he deserves for it! It’d serve him right.”
Summary of Wish: that Mr Abrams will never again know the touch of a woman without something terrible happening in consequence
WISH GRANTED, AND FILED CORRECTLY
Personal Notes: (re-filed to correct an initial spelling mistake, 11/18/99)
Filed by: Valesh the Avenged
____________________________________________
Date: November 20, 1999
Patient: Abrams, Parker
Age: 20
Reason for admission: concussive head injury (multiple), smoke inhalation
This was written for the prompt song of "Apologize" by One Republic, at
still_grrr.It's longish, in an unusual format, stars two OCs, and is extremely silly...
Bureaucracy
Wish #287a-15c912-337
Date: 10/15/99
Wisher: Miss Serena Philman, Sunnydale CA
Target of Wish: Mr Parker Abrams, Sunnydale CA
Transcription: “He’s just… oh, I can’t believe that bastard. How could he do that to me? You know what – he doesn’t deserve her. He doesn’t deserve anyone. And he thinks he can get away with… He should just… just never date again. In fact, I wish he’d never even get to touch a girl, ever again! It’d serve him right.”
Summary of Wish: that Mr Abrams will never again know the touch of a woman
Personal Notes: Miss Philman was initially mistrusting, and was persuaded into friendship by the offer of cupcakes and a mix cd. (NB – assumed the guise of a college student) Should she be a recurring client, I would advise future wish granters to adopt a similar strategy.
Filed by: Valesh the Avenged
And, at Hellmouth Central…
17 stellar acts of vengeance this week. Notably, a maggot infestation plaguing Tom Walker (courtesy of Grellmesya the Eternal), a five-man beheading at the Sunnydale Retirement Home (excellent work by Bloody Bertha), and Parker Abrams being prevented from ever again knowing the touch of a woman (way to go, Valesh the Avenged!).
To: Valesh the Avenged
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
Saw in the newsletter about your latest wish. Great job!
Unfortunately, it looks like you forgot to check the files. Your client’s wish that Parker Abrams never know the touch of another woman goes against a wish I granted that states that Parker Abrams would get laid at least once a week for his entire college career.
I guess you’ll have to reverse yours.
See you later! :)
– Trekknor
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
From: Valesh the Avenged
Trekknor –
Thanks for the heads up.
However, as it happens, I did check the files. There aren’t any instances of Parker Abrams being granted a wish, or (amazingly) being wished against.
Getting confused, are we? :)
– Valesh
to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa
cc: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa
subject: wish064p-39b426-122
(forwarded at the request of Trekknor, Lord of Pain)
Attached is a copy of the file for Wish #064p-39b426-122, concerning a wish from Miss Katie Locke against Mr Jason Abrams.
Regards,
the Files and Records Department.
document attached: 064p39b426122.doc
to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa
subject: FW:wish064p-39b426-122
I don’t read mail from subordinates, asshole.
Regards,
Valesh the Avenged
Active Vengeance Branch C
floor 6
>>(forwarded at the request of Trekknor, Lord of Pain)
>>Attached is a copy of the file for Wish #064p-39b426-122, concerning a wish from Miss Katie Locke against Mr Jason Abrams.
>>Regards,
>>the Files and Records Department.
Valesh the Avenged
Active Vengeance Branch C
Justice and Latent Malice Inc
Dear Ms Avenged,
We have been contacted regarding a wish made by one of your clients, that directly contradicts an earlier wish filed in your department.
Having perused the document in question, we have determined that your client’s wish that Mr Parker Abrams never again know the touch of a woman will indeed prevent Trekknor, Lord of Pain, from fulfilling his client’s wish that Mr Parker Abrams receive more opportunities for sexual activity than Mr Jason Abrams did.
The exact text of this wish is included here for your reference:
a) that Mr J Abrams’ “belt notches” be surpassed by his younger brother, Mr P Abrams;
b) that Mr P Abrams get laid at least once a week for his four years of college;
c) that Mr P Abrams boast about these circumstances whenever he is in the company of Mr J Abrams;
d) that Mr J Abrams never forget that he gave up a chance at true love to “get more pussy”.
We understand that your client’s wish was filed while you were still in ignorance of this, but must inform you that, regardless, the wish made by Trekknor, Lord of Pain’s client still has prior claim.
Please take appropriate action.
Sincerely,
Lloyd Miller
Wolfram & Hart
Los Angeles Branch
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
From: Valesh the Avenged
Thanks a lot, idiot.
What exactly do you expect me to do now?
– Valesh
PS – That has got to be the lamest vengeance wish ever.
To: Valesh the Avenged
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
I’d expect you to reverse it, obviously.
– Trekknor
PS – Never knowing the touch of a woman? So original.
REQUISITION ORDER: request number 5698751381801
-200 pounds of uncooked entrails, unsliced
-90 pounds of troll faeces
-15 still-beating hearts
-1 red-hot poker
To be delivered to room 729, floor 5, and arranged as per the attached diagram.
To: Valesh the Avenged
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
Nice try, Val.
But, like it or not, my wish has priority.
Reverse it. And grow the hell up.
– Trekknor
REQUISITION ORDER: request number 9716087344920
-50 gallons of ethanol
-1 box of matches
To be delivered to room 729, floor 5.
(NB – using these in the obvious manner when you reach the room in question will ensure a big tip from me)
Trekknor, Lord of Pain rang, on a business-related matter.
Contents of message: several death threats, very loud, mostly incoherent
Please:
arrange a meeting
email your reply
destroy all records immediately, and disavow knowledge
other ( ________________________ )
to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa
subject: I could keep this up all day
Trekknor –
Give in? Because I’m not reversing the best wish I got all month.
Regards,
Valesh the Avenged
Active Vengeance Branch C
floor 6
to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa
subject: so could I
Valesh –
How about a compromise?
Regards,
Trekknor, Lord of Pain
Vengeance Demon
Active Vengeance Branch F
“Putting the laughter back into slaughter.”
To: Lady Mertroxa of deathly night
From: Valesh the Avenged
Mertie –
A friend on the fifth floor needs some serious renovations done on his office, owing to an accidental fire.
Think you can bury the costs in the paperwork?
Thanks, honey!
– Vale
to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa
subject: loophole?
Trekknor –
Your client’s wish was for Parker Abrams to get laid while he’s still in college, right?
How about if we make him drop out?
Regards,
Valesh the Avenged
Active Vengeance Branch C
floor 6
to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa
subject: RE:loophole?
Valesh –
No luck. Check the wording – it specifies four years of college.
Any other ideas?
Regards,
Trekknor, Lord of Pain
Vengeance Demon
Active Vengeance Branch F
“Putting the laughter back into slaughter.”
to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa
subject: RE:loophole?
Trekknor –
What if we took “belt notches” literally?
Regards,
Valesh the Avenged
Active Vengeance Branch C
floor 6
to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa
subject: RE:loophole?
Valesh –
What if “touch of a woman” was more specific?
Say – touch of a woman’s hands…
Regards,
Trekknor, Lord of Pain
Vengeance Demon
Active Vengeance Branch F
“Putting the laughter back into slaughter.”
to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa
subject: RE:loophole?
Kinky. But no.
Regards,
Valesh the Avenged
Active Vengeance Branch C
floor 6
to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa
subject: sorry, but…
Valesh –
Talked this over with some colleagues. They can’t see any way around it. You’re going to have to take your wish back after all.
Regards,
Trekknor, Lord of Pain
Vengeance Demon
Active Vengeance Branch F
“Putting the laughter back into slaughter.”
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain (Active Vengeance Branch F, Justice and Latent Malice Inc)
Invoice prepared by: Lady Mertroxa of deathly night (Supplies and Withholdings, Justice and Latent Malice Inc)
Itemized Costing:
$535,000 (structural repairs)
$73,000 (replastering, repainting)
$109,000 (replacement of interior furnishings)
$321,000 (general fee for being a bastard)
$1,038,000 IN TOTAL
____________________________________________
To: Valesh the Avenged
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
What if we modified your client’s wish?
– Trekknor
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
From: Valesh the Avenged
How, exactly?
– Valesh
To: Valesh the Avenged
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
Make it an either-or.
– Trekknor
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
From: Valesh the Avenged
Slightly confused about where you’re going…
– Valesh
To: Valesh the Avenged
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
“never again know the touch of a woman, or…” (insert requisite horrible happening)
So he’d still be getting regular action, as per my client’s request, but dire consequences would result. Forever.
– Trekknor
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain
From: Valesh the Avenged
I like it.
– Valesh
Wish #287a-15c912-337
Date: 10/15/99
Wisher: Miss Serena Philman, Sunnydale CA
Target of Wish: Mr Parker Abrams, Sunnydale CA
Transcription: “He’s just… oh, I can’t believe that bastard. How could he do that to me? You know what – he doesn’t deserve her. He doesn’t deserve anyone. And he thinks he can get away with… He should just… just never date again. In fact, I wish he’d never even get to touch a girl, ever again, without getting exactly what he deserves for it! It’d serve him right.”
Summary of Wish: that Mr Abrams will never again know the touch of a woman without something terrible happening in consequence
Personal Notes: (re-filed to correct an initial spelling mistake, 11/18/99)
Filed by: Valesh the Avenged
Date: November 20, 1999
Patient: Abrams, Parker
Age: 20
Reason for admission: concussive head injury (multiple), smoke inhalation
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 12:24 am (UTC)Format inspired by a book I happened to recommend a few years ago? :-)
no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 08:49 am (UTC)Glad you enjoyed it!
no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 12:36 am (UTC)Love that Parker got his - after going through all that paperwork shuffle.
Spelling mistake! Hee Hee.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 08:50 am (UTC);)
Glad you liked it!
no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 12:58 am (UTC)I love how this *totally* explains why girls go for Parker so often - and how Parker ended up getting beat up by cave!Buffy.
And the detail work on this is so cute - and it mirrors real office crap so well!
Yummy stuff.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 08:51 am (UTC)it mirrors real office crap so well
...and is in no way based on my workplace. Nope. Not at all.
(Love your new icon!)
no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 01:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 06:04 am (UTC)Original and creative and such a fantastic little slice of backstory. :)
no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 08:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 07:29 am (UTC)And the internal workings of vengeance demon society...nifty as all hell! ;-)
no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 08:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-05 02:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-05 07:20 am (UTC)Glad you liked this!
no subject
Date: 2009-03-05 10:45 am (UTC)That was just priceless. I loved the way you formatted everything, made me feel like I really was flipping through a pile of emails and invoices.
Very awesome.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-05 11:24 pm (UTC)Oh, the formatting was fun. Especially coming up with end-of-email sig lines, and stuff. :)
no subject
Date: 2009-03-12 05:34 am (UTC)Is it weird that instead of that compromise, I was thinking, "Well, he could still get laid by MEN"?
But yours is funnier.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-12 06:50 pm (UTC)Is it weird that instead of that compromise, I was thinking, "Well, he could still get laid by MEN"?
Not at all weird. I think a lot of people thought that's where I was going...
no subject
Date: 2010-01-17 06:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-19 07:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-17 03:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-19 07:03 am (UTC)Glad you liked this!
no subject
Date: 2010-01-17 03:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-19 07:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-17 06:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-19 07:03 am (UTC)