I'm Not Being Rude (Really)

[deird_lj]

I'm not looking at you - no. But I'm still listening.


When you came over to talk to me that day, and I turned and walked off? It wasn't because I didn't want to talk to you. It's because I didn't realise you wanted to talk to me. In fact, I didn't really notice you standing there.


I'm not looking at you - my eyes are drifting off into the distance, looking at all the people walking past. You're not even getting a glance from me. But I'm listening. Really.


When I interrupted you just then? You thought I wasn't interested in what you were saying. But I was - it's just that my brain's a few seconds behind my actions. I didn't have time to realise I was going to interrupt you. I didn't even notice I was talking at all until I was three seconds into my sentence. (And by then, you'd already stopped talking and started glaring at me - and the damage was already done, so I figured I might as well finish what I was saying.)


I'm not looking at you - not at all. It must be annoying, watching me watching other people, as if they're way more interesting than whatever it is you're saying. They're not, though. And I am listening.


When I changed seats on the train? I know it looked like I was trying to move away from you. But that noise - the high-pitched one, the one you barely noticed - that noise was agony to me. And I had to get as far away as possible, even if it did look unfriendly.


I'm not looking at you - I know. Unfortunately, I can do one of two things: listen to you, or look at you. Not both. I decided listening to the conversation would work better than looking at you attentively while not hearing a word. (I really am listening.)


When I didn't ask how you were? It's not because I don't want to talk to you. It's just that, twenty-eight years down the track, I'm still learning the social rules you learnt back when you were three. I still have to consciously remember: "When someone asks how you are, you ask them how they are too." And I still forget, unless I'm reminding myself, over and over. It's not that I don't care - but I don't know how to talk to people. The rules aren't in my head.


I'm not looking at you - I'm looking at my feet, my drink, the weather, the carpet, anywhere and everywhere but you. And it's frustrating. I'm aware of that. But I have spent my entire life being stuck in these situations, more frustrated than the people I'm not looking at, knowing I'm rude, knowing I'm hard to talk to, and knowing there's not a single thing I can do about it - because I work differently to you (I'm still trying to figure out exactly how I work) and I can't follow your rules.
But I'm listening. I really, really am.

---

I love this ADDery part of myself. But sometimes, I'd love to give it all away.

Comments

[naatz.livejournal.com]

My life in a nutshell. ::hugs::

|Meduza|

[ib-stormcaller.livejournal.com]

I would offer *hugs*, but thats not really me :) [/wry]

I just hope it wasn't the boss (or the boyfriend) anyone other than that and it should all be ok, right?

[jl-in-the-lane.livejournal.com]

Love you, beautiful chickie.

There's a reason we've been given the gift of written expression. ANd you use it so well.

Keep on keeping on.

*Did I ever tell you about living in the mountains and the valleys?

We miss out on the level ground that everyone else walks around in.
Can't quite find our way through. The signs don't make sense.

But we can tell you about the murkiness in the valleys and describe the monsters that you know you're frightened of but don't really recognise. We're the ones who crawl around and wrestle them in the swamps, face-to-face. We can tell you exactly how to bring them down.

And we can climb the peaks and see out across the whole world as the sun lights it up, and tell you how it makes the way so clear.
(...if only you could see how it shines...)*

When you are on the mountain

[1c2k3p4p5c.livejournal.com]

Drink in the view while you're up there and remember it when you come down. Virtual hugs to all the readers of this journal who identify with this experience, especially deird1 and jl_in_the_lane.

[peroxidepirate.livejournal.com]

Oh, very well said. ADD is a bitch sometimes, isn't it?

Also, I'm linking you to Hyperbole and a Half, (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/) a fantastic humor blog about the author's adventures living with ADD. If you don't already read it, you should!

[blackfrancine.livejournal.com]

I love that blog so hard! Allie Brosch is my BFF--but she doesn't know it.

[mauvedragon.livejournal.com]

I've got ADHD myself. I understand completely about all this. *hugs*

[velvetwhip.livejournal.com]

:::hugs you:::


Gabrielle

[taiba.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[glorious-pancake-morning.blogspot.com (from livejournal.com)]

Stupid rules of social conduct.

I have a massive issue with:
- sustained eye contact
- "How are you?" (oh please, you don't *really* want to know the answer to that.)
- laughing at people's jokes (I'm not much of a laugher. I wish I was but I just can't. I smirk. I chuckle. I don't laugh heartily... I almost never even giggle. Doesn't mean I don't find it funny... argh.)

And respect to Hyperbole and a Half. If only she would update more often these days!

I can relate a little.

[(Anonymous)]

I have stuff like this, too - not the same ones as you, but frustrating ones nonetheless, things that young children can grasp easily, but me, even after 25 years, I still never quite got it. It makes me feel stupid, but I don't think I'm stupid, not really, because I can grasp some sophisticated ideas that a lot of normal people struggle with, but the simple stuff?

The people who look at me and tell me that I'm smart, I wonder if they realise some of the notions I struggle with. And the people that think I'm dull, (I know they're there, too), I don't think they really know me that well, either.

Sometimes I'd trade in the sophisticated stuff for the simple stuff. But this is the way I am, and when it comes down to it, I do kind of like the way I am.

I like the way you are, too. Your strangeness has never bothered me. I don't really notice it, actually, maybe because I have my own strangenesses. I know people who are inconsiderate and thoughtless, and I can tell you're not one of them.

-N.

[immer-am-lesen.livejournal.com]

Oh, I have things in common, too... :-)
I've found:
1) When people ask how your weekend was, they're doing it because they did something great and want to talk about it, and it's your cue to say you did not much, and then ask how their weekend was, and listen with interest....
They don't actually care how your weekend was, really...
2) I dislike being introduced to friends-of-friends...we have one thing in common, that one person, and that's it. We, between us, have nothing. And we probably like our friend for different reasons. So please don't ask how we met, and try to be friendly, because I really don't care about you and how you know them.
Is that harsh? I think I'm just happiest in my own world and circle of people.... :-/
3) If I want to talk to someone, tell them some good news, or just chat, I usually don't because I'm afraid they'll be bored or think I'm weird or disrupting their work...so I say nothing, and talk to myself in the car later, as though I'm talking to someone else.


PS- oh, this post of yours explains so much. I feel better for knowing this. I thought it was me. :-)

[taiba.livejournal.com]

I hate it when people say "hey! How are you?" and keep going - for them, the "how are you" is just an extension of "hello", but to me it's an actual question, and the start of a conversation. It's very annoying.

[blackfrancine.livejournal.com]

Hi. I just wanted to let you know that I really liked this. I have GAD--not ADD--but I can relate to almost all of what you said here. Especially about not knowing the rules that everyone else learned when they were three. (I spend a lot of time beating myself up about never remembering to offer company something to drink, or inviting them to sit--I'm sorry, but it's stupid. If I sit down, obviously you can sit down too.) You expressed this isolation really well.

Also, I'm hoping it's OK if I add you as a friend. I've seen you around, and I always enjoy your comments.

[padawanspider.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

* - and gives you a cookie for putting these things into words so very well*