Aussie History

[deird_lj]

You all knew I'd end up doing this one, right?

Describe your country's history - not as it really was, but as the average person in your country remembers it. What are the major events that everybody knows about? What's taught in schools? What do your politicians and media talk about when they want to boast about how great your country is? Or are there embarrassing episodes in your nation's past that everybody knows about but nobody likes to mention?

We're not looking for a balanced, measured or accurate view here. Broad generalisations and sweeping stereotypes are welcome.

(See also: the British version, the American version, and the Swedish version.)



A History of Australia (summarised)

• A big rainbow-coloured snake roams around the country, making rivers.

• The snake leaves, and all the kangaroos etc sigh with relief and come out of hiding. They hop around happily for several centuries – occasionally getting killed by Aborigines.

• Captain Cook sails to the southern hemisphere, hoping there’s something there. He’s right! He’s incredibly amazed by how wonderful all the plants are – even in the middle of winter… not realising that it’s actually summer down here.

• Captain Cook reports back to Britain, who say “Hurrah! Free prison!” and promptly pack off all the people they don’t like, hoping they’ll drown on the way over.

• Then there are soldiers, and convicts. Eventually, they start forgetting which is which and all stand around saying “G-day mate!” and drinking beer.

• Gold is discovered. Suddenly, everyone and his dog is immigrating our way, so they can get in on the action.

• We have our one and only civil war! It takes place on a single hill, and lasts about a day – but manages to get its own flag, and has a basic constitution written up before they’re all killed by soldiers. Are proclaimed heroes and get their own tourist attraction.

• Someone steals a sheep, is arrested, and drowns himself to avoid jail. Is proclaimed a hero and forever immortalised in song.

• Ned Kelly sticks a bucket on his head and rides around the country robbing people. Is proclaimed a hero and forever immortalised in much random artwork.

• We become an official country. No-one actually cares.

• World War 1 happens – and lots of Aussies enlist. We end up getting horribly slaughtered at Gallipoli, owing to the incompetent British generals giving us stupid orders. We proclaim it the most important part of the war. (We might have won a few battles, too – but we don’t care about those ones.)

• We start winning lots of swimming medals. We keep winning swimming medals. And also cricket matches.

• Our Prime Minister goes swimming, and drowns. We celebrate this by naming swimming pools after him.

• Another Prime Minister gets into an argument with the Governor General. The two of them have a race to see who can sack the other one first.

• Lindy Chamberlain’s baby gets stolen by a dingo. Thus spawning a movie with fake Aussie accents.

• We get yet another Prime Minister, who has the Guinness World Record for beer drinking.

• And then another one who is mostly famous for swearing at people.



…and then comes current affairs.

Comments

[slaymesoftly.livejournal.com]

LOL Very informative and entertaining.

[deird1]

*grins*

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Heee!

I'm reminded of Bill Hicks' explanation of how Australia was colonised:

[In a not-too-convincing English accent]
"Let me get this straight: You keep the shitty food and the shitty weather and we get the Great Barrier Reef and lobsters the size of canoes? Um... I'm Jack the Ripper!"
"No, I'm Jack the Ripper!"
"I'm Jack the Ripper!"

[deird1]

Heh. That sounds about right.

[velvetwhip.livejournal.com]

I feel so well-informed now.



Gabrielle

[deird1]

*feels very informative*


(And look! Now I have links!)

[2maggie2.livejournal.com]

So much education going around today! Thanks!!

[deird1]

*high-fives*

[lavastar.livejournal.com]

Oooh, I do feel all smart now!

And aww, Waltzing Matilda! I loved that song as a kid, especially because I thought it was (for whatever reason) a song about some nice guy dancing with Matilda from the book by Roald Dahl. :D

[deird1]

Yay for Waltzing Matilda! One of our many, many songs that centre around sheep...

[jl-in-the-lane.livejournal.com]

OK.

Click go the shears.

...

...

I cannot think of any others. What are these 'many' sheep-centred songs, pray?

[klme.livejournal.com]

http://folkstream.com/songs.html

a whole pile of Aussie songs. Lots of sheep hiding there.

[jl-in-the-lane.livejournal.com]

How many of these do you know?

I know very few.

[stormwreath.livejournal.com]

So to become an Australian hero, you basically have to start a revolution, steal a sheep, or wear a bucket on your head? And preferably get yourself killed doing it?

This explains so much... ;-)

[deird1]

Pretty much. You're not allowed to succeed at anything except for sport and crime. :)

[jl-in-the-lane.livejournal.com]

Well, if you consider everyone who started the place off was either shipped here for some-crime-or-other, or shipped off here by their posh families for doing something embarrassing, or didn't fancy their prospects of making it back at home over those of going somewhere else and striking it lucky...

*appropriate House icon is appropriate*

[fenchurche.livejournal.com]

We have our one and only civil war! It takes place on a single hill, and lasts about a day – but manages to get its own flag, and has a basic constitution written up before they’re all killed by soldiers. Are proclaimed heroes and get their own tourist attraction.

Hey! I've actually been to Sovereign Hill! When we visited Australia about seven years ago (wow, I can't believe it's been that long), we mostly stayed with babyotto and her family in Melbourne... heading out to Apollo Bay for a few days, exploring the Great Ocean Road, and then over to Ballarat. I never would have even known about the place if it wasn't for my friends, but it was really a fun place to visit. Learned a lot about Australian history.

This is making me REALLY want to go back to Australia!

[roccondilrinon.livejournal.com]

The whole Gallipoli campaign, and how we see it today, actually does say a lot about our country. Other countries have holidays to celebrate some glorious victory, like America celebrates its independence from what is now one of its closest allies — but our military holiday is to remember our greatest military cock-up. Because that's the sort of thing you need to remember, or it'll happen again.

[jl-in-the-lane.livejournal.com]

Hey! HEY!
Not *technically* OUR cock-up.
The cock-up of
1) those in charge, who were
2) British, and
3) upper-class.
Thus confirming in the mind of The Generic Aussie that one should Never Trust UpperClass Pommy InCharge Type People - or anyone who looks/sounds remotely like falling into any of those categories, just to be safe.
Also, it was Not Our Fault.

Now THAT says a lot about our country, I think.

(I'm not disagreeing with you, really...)

[flake-sake.livejournal.com]

hehehe :) I learned a lot!

[mauvedragon.livejournal.com]

What about the Dutch? They found us first.

[klme.livejournal.com]

Yeah but nobody cares about the Dutch ;)

Besides, they didn't find the good bits

[gingerwall.livejournal.com]

y Chamberlain’s baby gets stolen by a dingo. Thus spawning a movie with fake Aussie accents.

I had no idea that the band name Dingoes Ate My Baby referred to an actual event, though Oz is nerdy enough and knowledgeable enough that really I should known. Was I the only one?

[silver_galaxy]

As an Australian I have to say that that all sounds very accurate :P

[deird1]

I'm glad to hear it!

*high-fives*

[silver_galaxy]

I've been thinking though, considering Australia's obsession with sport, maybe the Sydney Olympics should be mentioned??