Serious Post of Seriousness

[deird_lj]

A man who I work with died today, 2 metres away from my desk.
We think it was a heart attack. Whatever it was, the paramedics worked on him for almost an hour - right there in the office - before declaring him dead.
Most of the office are still in a state of shock. Several people dissolved into tears, and the rest just ended up standing around, not doing much of anything.

I don't know how normal it is for someone to respond to death by listening to angry chick music and watching massive amounts of Doctor Who, but that was my reaction.

I felt kind of clinical, actually - and I felt bad for feeling clinical and detached when everyone else was getting teary. People were getting really upset, and I was just thinking "Make sure Tim's okay, get Susanne a coffee, pray for the family, be nice to the ambulance guys - it wasn't their fault - and check my email..."
I don't know if that means I'm really out of touch with my emotions, incredibly good at dealing, still in shock, a completely emotionless droid, or brilliant in a crisis.

Really not looking forward to tomorrow. Not because of the empty desk, right across from mine - mostly because everyone will still be really upset, and I'll have no idea what to do.

It was really horrible, mostly: being so close, and not able to do anything. Someone had called an ambulance, some people who knew first aid were doing their best until the paramedics arrived, and all that I could do was pray, as hard as I could...

I took the train home early, read MX (paying close attention to all the gossip about Kylie Minogue's new boyfriend), and sat next to some extremely rowdy teenagers. They were chucking gobstoppers and ripped tickets around the carriage - which normally would have really annoyed me. But today I just watched them being so incredibly full of life, and I couldn't stop grinning.

So, anyway...
I'd appreciate prayers - especially for his family. And for all of us.

Comments

[ikona-rakasha.livejournal.com]

oh love, thats terrible. *hugs* im sending you fluffy hugs via telepathy

have a stong cup of tea and cake. lots of tea and cake and then cry some. you will need it.

[immer-am-lesen.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's just awful. *hugs*
Thinking of you. :-(

Mark's uncle had a heartattack while he was at Mark's parents' place for dinner about two weeks ago...poor parents and Auntie did what they could, mum ran across the road to fetch the young man who she knew was just finishing his nursing training. He was by some miracle just about to leave, and she caught him in time. He raced over, and did compressions for half an hour until the MICA people arrived.
For half an hour, uncle was technically dead as they all watched. The MICA got him stabilised, off to hospital, and he now has a pacemaker.
The young man was in shock after that, and his hands were black the next day from bruising from doing the CPR...they're thinking of nominating him for a citizen's award.

I'd like to think I'd be heroic in a crisis, but fear I'd just run and hide and hope for it all to go away and not be real...

Just hearing about their sheer terror and helplessness of having it happen made me want to cry, so I can just imagine how you're feeling.

[dreamincolor.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry darling. -hugs tight- My thoughts are with his family, and with you.

I don't know if that means I'm really out of touch with my emotions, incredibly good at dealing, still in shock, a completely emotionless droid, or brilliant in a crisis.

Some people just take longer to process emotional episodes - I know because I'm definitely one. It's totally normal, and while at the moment it probably feels like you're out of touch, it's usually just because you're processing what happened more slowly, and will continue processing it in other ways long after some of your other co-workers have fallen out of their initial panic. (Like watching the kids on the train home differently - just a different type of dealing.)

You'll be alright hunny, -hugs again, just for good measure- Just take it easy.

[taiba.livejournal.com]

Everyone deals with it differently. If listening to angry chick music and Dr Who is how you do it, then that's no problem.

It's good that you can see life around you and appreciate it. Grin away, love.

*many hugs*

If you need to chat or anything, or if you want company next week, give me a call either this evening or from Sunday night onward.

[fireflyfaery.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I promise you - and not just from work, but personal experience - it's perfectly normal. And you don't have to cry tomorrow, either.

Promise you'll all be in my prayers tonight.

[kirby1024.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about the emotionlessness, my friend. Some people react to bad stuff by putting everyone else first, by working hard not to think about what's happened. For a lot of people this is good - they process stuff and deal with it in their own way.

Just remember that even if you're dealing by taking care of everyone else, make sure that you're taking care of yourself too. And if you do start to feel yourself cracking, try not to fight it. Take your reactions as they come, and don't beat yourself up, whatever they are.

Oh, and you have my mobile number. If you need to chat, call anytime.

[spuffyduds.livejournal.com]

Oh geez. *hugs*

[shapinglight]

I'm pretty sure you're not an emotionless droid. Sounds to me far more like you're good in a crisis, which I wish I was. I go all weak at the knees instead.

Poor man and his poor family.

[padawanspider.livejournal.com]

Prayers sent, and will continue to be sent.

I actually react about the same. It's handy at crisis time, but yeah, give yourself some time to work through your emotions when and if they come. If it's Dr. Who and angry chick music, so be it. :)

*hugs*

[cereta.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

[chrisleeoctaves.livejournal.com]

Everyone deals with trauma in their own way.
[hugs]

[spiralleds.livejournal.com]

Uff. How tragic and stressful. It sounds like you are level headed under pressure, but I'd guess there's a level of shock there too. Don't be surprised if it all catches up with your at the strangest, unexpected moment.

[mauvedragon.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[danielrh.livejournal.com]

No, that reaction is the one you get when you're good in a crisis.
It's nice to be able to have it.

From Laney

[(Anonymous)]

Here's a thought on 'dealing with emotional stuff"-ness: (my word, but this Buffy-speech is a useful thing)

When I broke up with Matt W.,
I went completely, utterly numb, walked around like a zombie - and every day I'd have some episodes where I'd go and HOWL for a while and then go back to being numb again.
(And later on got into being angry and stuff, blah, blah, all the rest of the grief process... the relevant bit is 'dealing with sudden emotional traumatic shock'.)

When I totalled the car containing a toddler on my way to baby-sitting,
I automatic piloted my way through the rest of my afternoon babysitting two kids and calmly conducted an interview on the way home for my other job and calmly drove home and calmly bought chocolate on the way home (figured I was going to need it later) and waited patiently until I was inside the hose before having a sobbing fit.
(And threw up next day from stress.)

When I was having the '3rd day blues' in hospital,
I bawled my eyes out for no reason and was absolutely fine to tell people that I felt depressed (which THEY all found really hard to handle).

I had this strong feeling at that time that the most important thing was
to acknowledge it and allow it to happen,
not to
deny that I was feeling depressed even with my new baby,
or feel guilty for it,
or block it out,
or tell myself that I 'should' be feeling anything other than what was actually happening
(which I reckon is what lots of people do and that's what causes all the problems).

I think that our different reactions occur not just because we're different people, but also because each different situation brings a different role
('continue to function' vs 'break down in sobbing mess';
'react straight away' vs 'too intense to process at 1 time').
And that's cool.

The main thing is:
don't think of yourself as any better or worse than anyone else for going through things your way,
and don't let anyone else tell you that either,
and don't stifle whatever feelings you do go through.

So long as you ALLOW your brain and body to just get on with things, they'll do it at whatever speed and intensity they deem appropriate. And they know that better than anyone else out there (including you).

You're ace.

Love, Laney

:)